The Jolly Buffoon's Guide to Cars

Last night, down the pub, Matt's girlfriend Laura mentioned her search for a new car had almost ended with her getting a Porsche. At this point we all made disparaging noises, took deep intakes of air and sucked our teeth mainly because none of us like Porsches but also it would be a massive bounding leap from the small Toyota Yaris she drives at the moment. Thoroughly down heartened by all this Laura muttered that she quite fancied the new Fiat 500 Arbarth which I quite like. However before I could praise and encourage her Ben launched a scathing attack on the Italian manufacturer. 

Although Ben maybe right about Fiat's frankly appalling past record on reliability and their dealers being a bunch of thieving sharks I still think there is hope and Ben is a terribly wrong. Ben is a bad man he beats up ginger kids and steals sweets from babies and stuff...

Caught in the act! Ben stealing some ginger kid's dinner.

He is also an engineer who worships at the alter of V-tec and owns one of the car nerd's favourites; a Honda Prelude. He loves the twin cam engine and gets excited over the four wheel steering (ok so that is pretty cool) but fortunately for the rest of us he isn't this tiresome most of the time. Although he respects the Japanese for their ingenuity and reliability he bulks at ruthlessly efficient German enginnering, you can see the burning hatred in his eyes when Matt mentions his uber saloon BMW 3 series and this means his views on Fiat are not as rational as he likes them to appear. In my opinion Laura should go for the Fiat 500 Arbarth if she likes it and take a chance with the pitfalls that can come with Italian automobile ownership.

Being the Jolly Buffoon I reject everyone else's view of reality and substitute it with my own that's why I own the Graphite Pig. For those that don't know my car it is an example of the awesome Volvo 240. This bastion of the middle class has a leather interior (despite Ben's claims to the contrary) with heated front seats and electric windows, mirrors and aerial which is pretty good for a car made just over 20 years ago. I believe that if you want a car on a tight budget look for an underated classic like mine. The Volvo brand in the past had a poor image amongst the hip and cool and now no one wants these boxy classics which are well known for being long lived (a Volvo holds the record for the highest mileage of any car in the world) and being executive motors are quite comfortable.

A slightly modified Volvo 240 dispelling the myth that they're shit.

Large Rovers (see Nordschleife or bust post further down) are dirt cheap because everyone says they're unreliable and parts availability is poor. Whilst reliability wasn't Rover's strongest suit we should remember that Darwin's theory that the strongest survive means that the crap ones will mostly have been scraped by now.

Don't want an Uber saloon? Look to older skoda models which seems to have a strong following of music teachers and piano tuners. Good, solid, if a little dull motors which will get you there just not in style. If you want something sporty and you have roughly a grand get yourself one of these classic cheese wedges...

Yes you guessed it it's a Triumph TR7 and this working example is currently at £820 on ebay. Bargain! Anyway I've got to finish up here as I've recieved reports that there is sound Volvo 240 Torslanda estate in red up for sale and as we all know RED CARS GO FASTA! Until next time when I may own two cars *sigh* toddleroo.

 

CONSUME!

After reading through my past dispatches I realised money (and the lack of it) was a recurring feature. It may look to some that my last post was a ridiculous boast about how much I spend on my hobby which I categorically deny it was nothing of the sort. I am however a consumer, a member of the petite bourgeoisie, a grabby materialist, I consume and I was not entirely happy about realising that. 

The question is why do I "consume" and when I say that I mean superfluous stuff like weird hats and books I'll never get round to reading. I also wondered why I hang on to stuff which is surplus to requirements, why not pass it on? After much thinking I came up with an answer for the second question which also answered the first... sort of. The answer is of course "it maybe useful someday" but when? Perhaps when hell freezes over or a plague wipes out most of mankind and turns them into fleshing eating zombies... well you never know. A large part of my book collection are reference style books which I look up stuff in and I do lend novels that I've read to some people once I've besmirched it's virgin pages, bent it's cover and ruined the spine. For the large part I just horde useless stuff but thankfully it hasn't reached the levels of excess of me bottling my own urine and suspending my shit in formaldehyde filled glass tubes. Well not yet anyway.

However I found this answer wasn't satisfactory, I mean it was an answer for some of the crap I've bought over the years but not all of it. It also failed to answer why I in general get the most expensive and not the best value for money item either. I suspect it has something to do with quality and why shouldn't I have the best after all I have no problems with self worth. I'm worth it even if none of you lot think so. The question is where to draw the line and say no I don't need this or I don't have to cough up so much. Wine is a good example of where to draw the line, I'm no wine connoisseur so why cough up the extra cash for an expensive fine wine when a rustic, cheaper wine will suffice? The David Ginola argument of "because I'm worth it" doesn't really apply because I won't notice the difference except for the price. I haven't been doing a good job of this sort of cost cutting so far. At this point my brain was aching so I soothed it by looking at this and others like it...

I found my mind wondering back to my relationship with money when I wondered whether I could build a wood bodied shooting brake similar to the above example as some kind of kit car. I realised I didn't have the skills and it would probably cheaper to buy one or have one built. Sadly such beautiful machines are well and truly out of my price range. I started thinking about how the hell I would get a pay rise and that got me wondering why would I want the extra stress and responsibility of a higher paying job as it would indubitably eat into my free time. Free time is precious to me as I like to do stuff in it but what I do in it is limited by my lack of money and now we're at the crux of my money obsession. I work to live not live to work, what's the point in making loads of cash if you don't have the time to enjoy spending it? 

An excellent author called Stephen Clarke has wrote a few books on living in France and the French psyche and he points out the French are just the same, the vast majority work to live and not live to work. I don't suffer from quite the same militant attitude to work as the French and I won't run at the first sign of danger but I will shoot anything that moves, eat horse meat and small birds and put garlic in just about anything I cook. There are persistent rumours in my father's side of the family that claim we're of Huguenot or Flemish origin. So maybe my need to consume is due to the fact I'm part French. If it's the latter it just explains why I bore everyone to death as the Belgians are hardly known for being exciting. Either way it's those bloody foreigners' fault! And with that I'll bid you goodbye, au revoir and vaarwel.

Next time on "The Jolly Buffoon":

Woodies - A budget option to replacing rusting body panels or a daft liability?

A Guide to Re-enactment

I have been at a loss recently at what to write about with everyones' blogs being so exciting of late. With all the exciting social commentary on important questions such as why Christmas shoppers are so fucking rude and why guns are cool. How could I compete with that and to make matters worse my musings on the decline of the moustache led to one individual attempting to disembowel them self on their own keyboard. So now I won't be reviewing the moustache wax I ordered on the interweb which is probably a good thing as it's German and called "Brother's Love". Hmm....

Anyway moving swiftly on to today's babbling which is an introduction to the world of re-enactment. This isn't the kinky kind of stuff that goes on between a couple making a last ditch attempt to save their marriage this is historical re-enactment where you get to dress up in funny clothes and pretend that it's not the twenty first century.

The world of historical re-enactment can be horrifically expensive with uniform and equipment costing several thousand pounds. To avoid huge costs join a popular time period with lots of suppliers as competition generally brings down costs. The beardy weirdy brigade (the viking and saxon groups), the mud eaters (the medievals) and the English Civil War groups are the best catered for in Britain. I joined ECWS (the English Civil War Society) in 2003 and the uniform cost roughly £150 which was spread out over a couple of years thanks to the regiment having loan kit for beginners and foot wear was even pricier at £90 (don't be put off there are cheaper traders). I opted to become a musketeer with all the added headaches and cost that come with it (£50 for a shotgun licence and £250 for a gun) but if you want to be a pikeman the pointed stick and armour are provided by the regiment. Of course there are additional costs for getting to events and camping gear which I won't bore you with.

Now I've finished boring you to death with the cost lets look at in detail what happens at an ECWS event...

1) Turn up on Friday night tired as you've just driven 4 hours to get to the event after finishing work. Put up camp and head for the pub or beer tent and get thoroughly blasted on your favourite poison. Engage in drunken banter, singing and dancing.

2) Wake up thoroughly hung over and totter off to the loos (the toilets are another post all in themselves). After relieving yourself head for the water tap to get water to have with the aspirin/ibuprofin/paracetamol you brought with you. Return to bed.

3) Reawake to the dulcet bellow of your sergeant who would like you to get dressed and ready for drill (what?!) NOW! You drill until the officers grow bored, the sergeant gets fed-up of trying to get you to walk in step or you finally remember which of your feet is the left one.

4) Have breakfast and depending on when and where you're supposed to assemble for the march mooch around the camp site or look "orfentic" on the living history. Generally the former involves drinking either tea or more beer, the latter chopping fire wood and answering daft questions from the public (trust me you'll get loads). 

5) Form up for the march and stomp onto the battlefield. The battle then begins after a prolonged wait and the pikemen (and women) batter the snot out of each other and the musket fire upon one another whilst all the while officers are shouting a load of bollocks at them. All the while cavalry are trying to kill just about anyone that lets them get close enough and the artillery are doing their best at deafening not just themselves but the rest of the armies too.

6) Give a salute to the crowd and march off the field saluting fellow regiments as you go. Have a few beers and toddle off back to camp for dinner. After dinner return to the pub/beer tent and get thoroughly blasted on your favourite poison. Engage in drunken banter, singing and dancing.

7) Repeat points 2 to 5 before saying your goodbyes and shooting off or if you had leave booked do point 6 too and head home on the Monday.

This sort of thing is par for the course for most regiments within ECWS and other groups too. Some are more safety conscious than others and drill will of course vary. Smaller groups might introduce cameos into their skirmishes where individual combats are carefully arranged and choreographed. There are groups who take re-enactment alot more seriously these are generally more expensive kit wise but worth joining if you're a hardcore re-enactment nut like me. At the moment I'm getting together kit for a French army Irish Piquet (see below) for re-enacting the 1745 Jacobite Uprising.

The cost of this kit is bloody eye watering costing at least £1200. The main problem is this period although well documented (and therefore easier to copy) it isn't so popular and therefore traders are thin on the ground with most being in America because of the popularity of the American War of Independence (AWI) over there. I'm using up my savings (specifically put aside for this) and have bought bits of kit over time to off set the cost. I'm going to be skint again but I will look the mutt's nuts. Ho-hum I'm off to try out that moustache wax. Au revoir.

 

The Disappearence of the Moustache

A hundred years ago a gentleman wasn't properly attired unless he had a moustache. You could not be considered a man until you had one. In some countries manhood is still marked by the growth of upper lip appendage, civilised countries like Iraq and Syria oh wait... shit. Hmm... Moustaches seem to have gone out of fashion in a big way in the Western world and in this post I shall ponder why...

Matt that Aryan Prince among men started all this when he took part in Movember, a charity event where men grow moustaches during the month of November (hence the oh so witty name). It all started in Australia (which some would say would explain alot) and oddly enough that's where Matt's boss comes from and he is the guy who got everyone at Matt's work doing this moustache growing for charity business. However Matt's girlfriend Laura hates his moustache and can't wait for him to remove it. The thing is you can barely see the thing anyway and after only a month's growth it's going to be rather pathetic anyway, see for yourself...

It won't be given a chance to reach it its full potential which is rather sad. Few of my friends and work colleagues have any kind of facial hair and those that do keep it short and heavily trimmed. I have a vast moustache at the moment which is causing all kinds of problems with drinking tea and coffee as it tends to trap the aforementioned beverages and then releases it again in small drips all over my bloody shirt! It's one of the few downsides to moustache (and beard) growth and ownership. A moustache puts a few years on you which is good when you're a spotty 16-17 year old trying to get served at your local boozer, it certainly worked for me I started drinking at a sports club bar when I was still 16. It was a hideous shock for the barman when the local rugby team (of which I was a member) decided to celebrate my 18th birthday at the aforementioned bar, he thought I had been in my early twenties. The age thing with the moustache can go the other way too, the classic example being when a teenager mistook me (a man who was 22 at the time) for a guy in his forties. Either teenagers think everyone over the age of 21 is ancient or it was the fact she was and still is Welsh. The other good points to moustache growth and ownership is there is less to shave and a fine moustache will always look imposing. General Kitchener, hero of Khartoum, had a fine moustache which put the fear of god into the fuzzy wuzzies he fought. Not only that but it also recruited hundreds of British and Commonwealth troops with this snappy poster...

Maybe the blood bath of the first world war sounded the end for the moustache as it was associated with the military. The final death knell was Adolf Hitler and his silly little toothbrush tash despite the valiant efforts of the RAF pilots and their whiskers...

Left: Wing Commander Robert Roland Stanford Tuck DSO, DFC & Two Bars, AFC

Right: Squadron Leader James O'Meara DSO, DFC & Bar

After the war, a group of former RAF men formed the elite handlebar moustache club dedicated to growing and maintaining of moustaches and keeping them in the public eye. The club scored a rip roaring success with the World Beard and Moustache Championship which was held last year (2007) in Brighton and you can see the winners here. The club isn't just old men either with young turks like Atters Attree of the Chap magazine also prominent members.

Anyway back to the original point despite the handlebar club's best efforts the moustache is still not a popular choice. The modern metrosexual man spends too long on the hair on top of his head to worry about maintaining a moustache on his fizzog. I suspect however the blame can be laid at the door of the female of the species. Women are more independent and are far more likely to influence how a man looks and dresses (the metrosexual man is the direct result of this). Now while I'm all for equal rights and such this will cause the marginalisation of the moustache. Alot of women don't like moustaches whether or not they've ever actually kissed a mustachioed gent and this maybe down to commonly held negative associations of male chauvinism and homosexuality. Either way the days of the Victorian man with his bristling mutton chops and highly manicured moustache have sadly disappeared and the moustache is now just grown for silly bets or blogs. Here is a fine mush bush to finish this post with...

Sir Joseph William Bazalgette

Dressing like a Gentleman

Huzzah! I've been working for the organisation now for six months and have survived the probationary period which means I'm now a permanent addition. This means that the more eccentric sides to my personality no longer need to be hidden BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

I've been dressing in a fairly relaxed fashion with a shirt and chinos but this will change as I slow metamorphose into the true chap I am. Starting with a suit, a gentleman must dress to impress and not look gay doing so. I've found a suitable website that sells gorgeous suits like the one modelled here...

Ahhh the frock coated three piece suit, it's a fashion classic. For something more practical during the day maybe a shorter and looser cut day frock coat...

And maybe for mooching around at home something terribly loose and louche like this...

Mmmm sophisticated... Of course if you want get ahead get a hat and when funds permit I shall be visiting Lock & Co of London as well as their cheaper rivals Christy's too. Top of the list will be a top hat...

and then of course I'll need a Homburg...

...then if I need to cut a dashing figure a fedora...

...something for the hotter weather...

...of course I need to keep me nut warm during a shoot...

...and of course there's my thinking cap. Hmmm...

And now it's time for me to put on this cap...

...and hit the hay. Goodnight... ZZZZZZZzzzzzz

Day dream of the week! II

That's right bitches I'm back! *recorded sound of hysterical girls screaming* I have been very busy since my last post. I've been to a Taint gig, moved house (still haven't properly unpacked yet though) and attended surprise birthday parties. I have daydreamed about many things since my last (and first) DDotW post so this is going to be a packed post wooo!

The first one is down to a work colleage called John. He is a cyclist and owns one of these...

That kids is a long john cargo bike (it's not John's actual bike) built by a company called SCO which is now owned by a Swedish company called Monark. Anyway Monark sold the rights to build them to Velorbis who are a Danish company and continue to knock them out at approximately 1900 Euros (around £1600) and I want one. However the choice isn't made easy by this...

This gentleman is mounted upon a Bullit cargo bike which has more gears and is light weight. It's built by a couple of loopy Danes under the brand name Larry vs Harry. They're very cool and come in a range of styles starting at 1800 euros. After the aforementioned move all thought of bicycles evapourated after I started chatting with one of my new housemates called Rich. He's been involved in modelling and has a set of plans to build a Handley Page H.P. 42 (see below) with a 4 to 5 foot wing span.

He also pointed out that the model would be dull to fly, take up masses of space and cost a fortune. Hmm maybe not but one can dream. This did lead me on to thinking about more engaging forms of modelling like model steam engines. I started looking on the 'net for live steam models and discovered this amazing site called prestonservices.co.uk and here is some of the cool stuff for sale on it...

OTTOMEYER
~ 310 H.P. ~
Ploughing Engine
"ZEVEN"

FOWLER
Class K7 Ploughing Engine
"THE STEAM SAPPER"

GARRATT
K1 Steam Locomotive
15" Gauge 0-4-0 + 0-4-0

SCAMMELL
"PIONEER"
SV/2S Heavy Recovery Tractor.
A WW2 6x4 British Army recovery truck.

BELLISS & MORCOM
Compound Generator Set
A vertical high speed enclosed steam engine
coupled to a 100 KW 3 PHz 400 V alternator.

STANLEY

1923 Model 740 G Roadster

A steam car

So much cool stuff... I've just had to go and sit in a bath of freezing cold salt water just to calm myself down. Unfortunately all this cool stuff costs a few bob and in the case of a traction engine it's the cost of a small house. I can't afford it and even small models like the one below from Polly Model Engineering costs £4555 which is too rich for me...

Until I rule the world or at least have sufficient funds I'm just going to have to stick with a little Mamod steam roller like this one... *sigh*

Toot-toot.  

Is cycling sexy?

The boys and girls at copenhagenize.com would have you believe cycling is indeed sexy (see above) but then they asked the question should cycling be advertised like cars? They then showed that Renault Clio advert. You know the one it's got that hot french bird Annelise Hesme arguing with that good looking actor that was in Casualty and all the girls at school fancied him until they found out he was gay... Yeah that one... Anyway the cyclists argue that cycling could be advertised like this too. I however beg to differ although I'm pro-cycle it will always play second fiddle to anything with an engine. This film called simply "Rendez Vous" shows why with a Ferrai being driven around Paris early one morning at naughty speeds. Just sit back and listern to that engine sing. 

 

Nordschleife or Bust

As you're no doubt aware (if you follow housemate Ben's Blog) that Ben and Matthew (he has no memory of events between the years of 1939 to 1945) have been planning a little trip in a couple of crap cars to the Nuremburg ring. When they get there they intend to thrash said crap cars around the ring and then head home. However as I'm the poor sap who gave them this idea I'm going to gate crash the party with one of these...

It's a Rover 820 Coupe and it's huge. Designed for the well-to-do elderly and the dickhead executive this car cost thirty thousand pounds new back in the late nineties but now Rover has gone down the toilet no one wants these petrol swilling, luxury leviathans. This leather interiored beauty is ideal for those long drags along the autobahns and I suspect give Matt and Ben in their Johnny-Foreigner-mobiles a damn good thrashing.... maybe I hope.... Anyway this particular one I found on ebay and at the moment the bidding has only reached twenty one pounds and that is a bargain folks. I secretly and shamefully coverted this car in my early teens and memories of that time were reawakened when watching Jonathan Meades on you tube. If you have not come across Jonathan Meades he's a rum chap who wears dark glasses and delivers clever word play in a flat, monotone voice. He was extolling the vitues of Birmingham or extending a sly dig at the city's expense (I can never be sure which with Meades) whilst driving around in a Rover 800, which at the time of filming was a machine built in Birmingham. If I'm going to gate crash their fun I need to start saving now and that's all my poor cash strapped bank balance needs. Ho-hum one can dream...

Day dream of the week!

Firstly before I go any further I must warn you this could be the last posting for a few weeks as Dan has not paid the bill. Apparently he is waiting for Ben and Charlie to cough up their part of the bill. Tensions between Ben and Dan are high at the moment with both of them claiming that the other owes them money it could take some time to sort out....

Anyway it's time for my new feature "Daydream of the Week!" In this addition to the blog I will explain what great mystery of the world I've been pondering this week it really should be called "the reason why I keep calling some of you Dave or forgetting what I went shopping for". Basically my absent mindedness is due to daydreaming and every week or so the subject warps into something else.

Last week I was pondering about the reintroduction of steam locomotives to Britain and fantasising about French Beyer-Garratts like this one...

These beautiful monsters hauled heavy passenger trains through the then French colony of Algeria. It had a transverse double PLM chimney and Cossart valve gear and the first machines were apparently hand fired requiring two firemen to feed it's gaping maw of a firebox! Fortunately for the firemen the engineers saw sense and added a coal pusher on the later machines. The Prototype locomotive 231-132 AT 1 had a revolving bunker to feed it but it wasn't a success and was not replicated on the production machines. Revolving bunkers seem to have been a bit crap wherever they've been used. The LMS tried revolving bunkers on their smaller 2-6-0+0-6-2 garretts but they proved unpopular. If you know why leave a comment... Anyway I love these Algerian Garratts and if I had the ability and the equipment I'd build a 5 inch gauge model of one fully capable of steaming.

I think steam is a viable form of traction and should be taken more seriously. The disastrous rush to scrap the steam engine on Britain's railways led to poor reliability and time keeping and the loss of an obscene amount of money. Britain's railways had taken an obscene pasting from two world wars and a serious recession and the fleet was a mixture of locomotives of various ages which the engineers ot the big four railway companies had tried to replace, rebuild or modify. The newly nationalised railway groaned under the weight of its own crapness and started building a more standardised fleet of its own. The man in charge was a chap called Robert Riddles who was an acolyte of Sir Willaim Stanier, former Chief Engineer of the LMS who advocated standardisation and use of proven technology over the experimental. The Standard Classes were machines that were either modernised LMS designs or brand new designs with reliability and easy maintenance in mind. These machines were generally successful but too few to replace the entire fleet on all the new regions. The modernisation plan was then published which called for a slow change towards dieselisation and electrification with tender being put out for a number of experimental locomotives of varying haulage capacity like Brush Traction's Falcon (see below).

The call for careful experimentation was not heeded as politicians pushed for modernisation. Proper experimentation would have shown that a large number of the designs were highly unreliable but this wasn't discovered until they were in service (in some cases in large numbers). There was also little thought given to standardisation either which pushed up maintenance costs. This unmitigated disaster led to the railways being in even more dire financial straits than before and could be partially blamed for the unleashing of Beeching on the rail network. If steam had continued to be used and developed maybe we'd still see steam traction on british railways today in the form of advanced steam turbine locomotives, who knows...

Andre Chapelon's 3 Cylinder Compound 4-8-4 Locomotive

Oliver Bullied's Leader Class 0-6-0+0-6-0 Locomotive 

Livio Porta's 'Argentina' 4-8-0 Locomotive (with Designer)

Steam is now being proven that it has the ability to compete against diesels on efficiency and power. The company below is at the fore front of these developments....

http://www.dlm-ag.ch/index2-en.htm

I live in hope...

Going over to the Dark Side

I have weakened and finally turned to the dark side. I have started a blog. The Jolly Buffoon Blog will attempt to look through my life ignoring or throwing over its shoulder the boring and tedious bits and hopefully find some gems to dust off and present to you. I wouldn't hold your breath....

Charlie Cat is a hero (I should use 'heroine' but I don't like the word so I shan't). She has cleaned up the stinking pile of crockery and cutlery plus polished the turd which is our kitchen. Some of the pile was my creation but most was produced by the return of Charlie Cat from making children cry in the darkest parts of Hampshire and Dan had his biweekly purge of his room. The return of Charlie created chaos as she sorted herself out after 6 weeks away from civilisation with bras, knickers and jeans spread everywhere some washed and now drying and those that were being sorted for washing. Chaz didn't have time for washing up and I kept out of way whilst she dashed about the kitchen loading up the washing machine and cooking a chicken casserole for us all. I was busy tidying my room for someone to view it but that's a different story. Anyway the next evening I was exausted after a long day at work and was in no mood to deal with the rapidly growing heap of dirty plates. I awoke this morning and almost wept when I entered the kitchen for the sight of so much mess was a depressing one. I made my breakfast and prepared my lunch and then scurried off to work vowing to get home at a sensible hour that evening and make a start on crockery mountain.

Now at this point I should like to point out that I'm gainfully employed neither of which Dan or Joe (a temporary housemate and breaker of oven doors) are. Did they help Charlie clean up? Of course they bloody didn't! The bone idle pair hid away in Dan's room fondling each other and playing on the sex box 360. Bastards. I should, of course, tell you about the disappearence of plates, cutlery and cotton buds amongst other things which have actually got dragged into the wormhole that is Dan's room just to be spat out again a couple of weeks later dirtier and covered in mould. Dan purged his room on Tuesday covering most of the kitchen surfaces in dirty plates, mugs and cutlery when I saw this I could have killed him. Charlie thinks or rather I think she hopes that by cleaning the kitchen so thoroughly people will want to keep it clean but knowing Dan Charlie's hopes will be dashed on another mouldy mountain of dirty plates before long.

For now me and Charlie celebrating, we shared a rather tasty chocolate yum-yum, she is watching Hollyoaks and I'm off to prepare a tasty risotto. TTFN